What is this practice?
If you sometimes experience the contradiction that although you’d like to open up, something holds you back and causes you to close down; if you often find yourself giving too much to others and ending up drained, with nothing left for yourself—then the practice of Dual Compassion is exactly for you.
For empathetic people, maintaining balanced connection is the biggest challenge. These individuals frequently offer their help and support to others but often realize too late that they’ve crossed their own boundaries. At such times, they withdraw from attention, seemingly disconnecting. They might even begin to doubt whether the world is fundamentally a good place.
Traditional empathy allows you to feel into another person’s situation, which is a beautiful and valuable skill. However, many highly empathetic people see focusing on their own needs as selfish, leading them to exhaust themselves by over-helping others, then retreating into isolation. Others, in contrast, are better at maintaining their boundaries but often don’t sufficiently recognize the needs of those around them.
What if I told you that you don’t need to protect your boundaries to feel safe? And that compassion doesn’t necessarily lead to exhaustion? If, however, you wish to enhance your sensitivity without becoming overwhelmed, you’ve come to the right place.
Dual Compassion is a balanced state in which you simultaneously remain present for yourself and another person. You no longer need to disconnect from your environment, because while attending to others, you also stay connected to your inner world. In this flowing state of attention, boundaries become living and natural, like a gently permeable membrane that simultaneously protects and connects.
How to practice?
Briefly:
After practicing the Connection exercise, use your breath to shift your attention between yourself and another. As you inhale, focus on yourself; as you exhale, focus on the other. You can practice this continuously or intermittently during conversations or any everyday situation.
Let’s explore the practice in greater depth:
If you’ve been following the previous steps, you are now capable of entering a relaxed and open presence. Begin with the Connection exercise, and once that’s completed (in 1-2 breath cycles), start shifting your attention in rhythm with your breath:
- Inhale: Gently and attentively observe your inner sensations, feelings, and impressions.
- Exhale: Shift your attention to the other person (or animal, plant). Observe how they sit, move, and appear, and empathetically sense how they might feel at that moment. It’s essential not to analyze them, just allow yourself to connect.
Your breathing may naturally slow down, but please don’t forcefully regulate it. Allow your breathing to happen naturally, even sighing spontaneously if that feels right.
As you shift your attention, thoughts may arise. Don’t follow them; instead, gently interrupt that cycle by refocusing on your breath and attention shifts:
- Inhale: observe yourself, noticing without judgment.
- Exhale: observe the other without wanting anything from them. Simply explore how they are at this moment without any intent to change it.
This flow of attention prevents internal dialogues or judgments from interrupting the connection. If intentions arise, they won’t take root, helping you maintain Related Presence.
Once you’re comfortable with shifting attention within one breath, you might practice staying focused longer (2-4 breath cycles) on each focus area before switching. If distracting thoughts or judgments arise, shorten the attention cycles again.
A crucial element of this practice is intentionless connection: not wanting or attempting to change the situation. You don’t want the other to improve, understand, or recognize anything. You want nothing from them, yet you offer your full attention. You leave them in peace but not alone.
If you’ve become quiet inside and find one breath cycle too brief, you can extend your focus: spend 2-4 exhalations focusing on the other, then an equal amount focusing on yourself.
Longer focus shifts may deepen your attention and compassion, but they might also evoke thoughts, judgments, or intentions. If this happens, shorten your focus again, as these distractions can disrupt Related Presence and Dual Compassion.
As you can see, the practice itself is simple and becomes easier over time.
Closing thoughts
Why is intentionlessness important?
It might seem strange at first why we wouldn’t want someone to feel better. However, even the purest “good intentions” can create expectations, which hinder rather than help true connection. Not wanting or trying to change things isn’t indifference. When you’re fully attentive and genuinely connected, you offer peace without leaving the other alone.
Intentionless attention isn’t coldness; it’s deep, genuine compassion. It offers freedom and space, thus creating possibilities for real change.
Why not regulate the breath?
Related Presence avoids all forms of subtle coercion. While breath regulation has its place, even gentle control can be seen as mild coercion. During Dual Compassion, let’s stay with your natural breath, which may slow slightly when observed. You might occasionally sigh spontaneously—and that’s perfectly fine.
Directions and possibilities
Dual Compassion deepens connections with others without interpreting or analyzing them. It underlies the “Little Lantern Communication” style, helping even in challenging communication scenarios to foster mutual understanding.
The practice isn’t limited to interactions with people. You can practice with the external environment as an open-eyed meditation anywhere; I will explain this further in the “Eye of the Needle” meditation.
Working with Shattering Experiences
You can also practice Dual Compassion with parts of yourself — with your past or future selves, or with the inner roles and archetypes that live within you. In doing so, you enter into a living, compassionate relationship with yourself — precisely in the places where you’ve been most deeply hurt. These shattering experiences are given space and attention — without the need to heal or fix them. Non-intervention is essential here, because expectations often create pressure. The moment you begin to expect a result, that very expectation can become an obstacle. If it doesn’t happen, you might feel you’ve failed — and that deepens the pain.
Dual Compassion, by contrast, creates a gentle inner space where love and trust in life can quietly re-emerge. This is not the goal of the practice — it is its natural unfolding, as the spaciousness of Related Presence begins to move through you.
For more details on practicing with traumas and rupture points, see the chapter Related Presence with Shuttering Experiences.
